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Drunken excuses
Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself.

Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I'm already 2 hours late, and now I've thrown up all over myself. The ole' lady is gonna kill me.

The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won't. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"

The first says, "Yeah, why?"

The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket.
When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time."

The first guys says, "Great idea! Let's have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours.

Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says,

"Look at you! You're pathetic!! You're five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you've got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?"

He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket." She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills.

She says, "Wait there's 40 bucks in here!"

He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

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