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Homer on Married Life
Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases.
Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire.
Homer: I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.
Marge: What kooky projects?
Homer: You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.
Homer: Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?
Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Bart: Dad, I've got some bad news.
Homer: Oh, your mother's not pregnant, is she?
Homer: If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.
Marge: Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic. Aww, look, Homey, our wedding cake!
Homer: You mean there's been cake in our freezer for eleven years? Why was I not informed?
Marge: I came to see you three times today. Twice you were sleeping, and once you were kicking that ball of electrical tape around!
Homer: Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba... [gets into bed] Eh, good-night.
Homer: Well, I really should discuss this with my wife.
Salesman: [scoffs] Your wife? [cracks an imaginary whip]
Homer: What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you make that noise?
Salesman: [does it again] [and again] [and again]
Homer: [on his knees] I'll take it!
Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.
Marge: You could take an adult education course.
Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: Homer's a very complicated man.
Homer: [smashing a plate over his head] WRONG!
Marge: And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.
Homer: Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes...yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now _that's_ sarcasm.
Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man...which makes me the woman. I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Homer: Marge, I'm bored.
Marge: Why don't you read something?
Homer: Because I'm trying to _reduce_ my boredom.
Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
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