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Alan Partridge Quotes: The Day Today
On the Tour de France:-
"Dave Bradaur there in the lead, swaying from side to side in his own inimitable bike-riding way. Klaus Binthere on the inside, pumping away with those gristle-like muscley legs inside those tight lycra shorts which have become his trademark. [A team car with spare bikes on the roofrack enters frame.] And I don't know what this man is playing at! No way! Surely the judges must come down like a ton of bricks on that. Carrying bikes on the top of a car is not a sportsmanlike way to run this race."
"You join me now in the helicopter as we look down on these cyclists that look somehow like cattle in a mad way, but cattle on bikes. [The finish line.] And there's Sven Gunsoon, closely followed by his close friend and teammate Klaus Bin- and the man with the bikes on his car is, yes! He's disqualified as I said, and Klaus Binthere wins. Riding none-handed! No need for that."

To a self-defence instructor:- "Now, self defence is not just about punching someone repeatedly in the face until they're unconscious is it?"

Football commentary:-
"Eat my goal!!"
"TWAT!! That was liquid football!"
"Shit!! Did you see that?! He must have a foot like a traction engine!!"
"That goalie has football pie all over his shirt!"
"Yes! yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!... That, was a goal!"

"A couple of youngsters there there...fooling around. Let's hope that that... tomfoolery... doesn't escalate into blind, ugly violence. Which lets face it, none of us want to see."
"It's the 6.30 Queen Henry stakes, which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form. Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow"
"Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class."

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