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Alan Partridge Quotes: I'm Alan Partridge
"We have a caller on the line who fears he may be a gay, he's married so we'll only refer to him by his christian name. This is Domingo from Little Oakley."
Michael: Can I get you a drink?
Alan: Have you got any tonic water... with some ice... and er, a segment of lemon.... and could you top it up with some Gordon's Gin?
Michael:[looking slightly bewildered] A gin and tonic?
Alan: Yeah that's right
Alan: You farmers, you er, don't like outsiders do you? Like to stick to your own.
Peter Baxendale Thomas: What do you mean by that?
Alan: I've seen the big-eared boys on farms.
Peter Baxendale Thomas: For goodness sake this is all...
Alan: If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there’s a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who’s also your brother
"Ya daft racist."
"Oh cook a cat!"
"I'm leaving you, you cow!"
"Butter my arse!"
"I know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said 'how do I look?' Would you say, bearing in mind he's depressed and has respiratory problems, would you say 'go and take that blusher off you mis-shapened elephant tranny'? No. You'd say 'You look nice... John'"
"No not my face i'm doing a photo shoot tomorrow for Vision Express"
"Yeah, can I just read you something from Top Gear magazine? No, it’s alright, I’ve got it here, I’ve got it here. [Opens the magazine on the bed and reads] 'With a mere ninety break-horse-power available, progress is too leisurely to be called fast, but on the motorway in fifth gear the Megane’s slow pace really becomes a pain. Uphill runs become power-sappingly mundane, while overtaking National Express coaches can become a long, drawn-out affair.' Not my words, Carol, the words of Top Gear magazine. "
"Lynn’s a good worker, but, I suppose she’s a bit like Bert Reynolds. Very reliable, but she’s got a moustache"
"That was 'Big yellow taxi' by Joni Mitchell, a song in which Joni complains they "Paved paradise to put up a parking lot", a measure which actually would have alleviated traffic congestion on the outskirts of paradise, something which Joni singularly fails to point out, perhaps because it doesn’t quite fit in with her blinkered view of the world. Nevertheless, nice song."
"There's never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady's part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent."
"Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them."
"I'd love to get my hands on the bastard. Or bitch, might be a lady."
"Good. Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it's a lifesaver, you know. I'd effectively be disabled if it weren't for these."
"Right, dry skin cream. I'm having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning my pillow looked like a flapjack."
"I've been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one."
"Lynn's not my wife. She's my PA. Hard-worker, but there's no affection."
"In fact, you know, the best thing I ever did was get thrown out by my wife! She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He's an idiot"
"Do you know what this bathroom says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It's like being inside an enormous Fox's Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus."
"Yes, it's an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake."
Alan has a confrontation with a former schoolmate regarding being caned as a teenager for having a chalk penis drawn on his back. "That was a long time ago Alan!" "That's what Nazi war criminals say!"
"I do like that toilet. It's very futuristic, isn't it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. Can I, have a go?"
"And, can I have the same, please? But with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an action man bow-tie."
"Alright, I'll rephrase the question. Can I... no, actually, I'll just repeat the question: have I got a second series?"
"Yeah, give me another series you shit."
"Tony, I've, look I've just bought a house. It's got a Buck Rogers toilet. One yank, all gone!"
"Well Sonia, that was classic intercourse. So... thanks!"
"Kiss my face."
"Back of the net!"
"Smell my cheese, you mother!"
"BANG! I'm James Bond"
"Lynn I'm not coming to your baptist church! They always get people when they're down."
While hosting his radio slot "Alan's Deep Bath" : "We're down to the final lather... just relax... there's a foamy bit on your shoulder - let's make it even more frothy with a squirt of light lemon liquid. Don't you feel good... careful not to fall asleep and slip under, there's some terrible statistics about that."
"Do you want me to lapdance for you?" ... "uh-uh I want a second series!"
"Do you want me to lapdance for you?" ... "my peep-hole pringle is modelled on an S.A.S balaclava, sweet feet ooooh", then he appears with two cones over his nipples "Do you like my cones? they are little ones i got them from a cycling test centre. My license is clean yours is dirrrty, you have six points I've got two..... points!"
Alan proposing a possible programme idea into his personal tape recorder: "Jet from Gladiators to host a millennium barn dance at Yeovil aerodrome. Properly policed. It must not, I repeat not, turn into an all-night rave."
"I just want to be able to say “I'm Alan Partridge. Join me tonight when my guests will be”, I don't know... “Chris Rea”. Actually, he lives in the area. I could have had him over. “Alright Chris!”, “Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in”, “Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?”, “I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?”, “I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kiev's?”, “I love them! But my wife's vegetarian”, “Doesn't matter. She can have fish”, “No she won't eat that either”, “Oh forget it!. You people”. Go on, Lynn. These people are starting to annoy me."
Alan addressing the widow of a recently deceased 40 year old: "All those people who go around saying “Life begins at forty”. They're notable by their absence. The nerve."
Alan prepares for a confrontation: "The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down!"
"Sunday Bloody Sunday. What a great song. It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn't it? You wake up in the morning, you've got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you've got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you just think 'Sunday, bloody Sunday!".
"Pray silence please, for The Electric Light Orchestra."
"Who's this beautiful man with a lovely voice, Its Annie Lennox."
"Kommen sie bitte und listen to Kraftwerk!"
On being asked who 'Wings' were: "They’re only the band the Beatles could have been."
"The security in this place is terrible - I booked the room under the name of the Real IRA. I'd better go and tell them it's really me." (Opens door and policemen are visible in the background. Closes the door quickly) "We have to leave... Crossed wires..."
"This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33, now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed up Dundee cake, let's take a look...not a trace! Peace of mind I'm sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board."
After being asked had vandals got to his car again: "Fraid so, third time. Scum. Sub-human scum."
"Hi Susan. I was a bit bored so I dismantled my Corby Trouser Press. I can't put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill?"
"Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Oh, he's not seeing me, I'll get him later. ... Dan!"
"Dan's a fantastic man! He really is. I was talking to him early and he asked me what kind of phone I had and I said a Motorola Timeport. And he said, 'that's saaad, you wanna upgrade'. I said, so do you - to a new face. He nearly soiled himself! He said he was laughing so hard he had Kenco coming out of his nostrils, and that made me laugh. But... my nostrils were clear."
"Hello is that Curry's? I'd like to place an order for two supplementary, auxiliary speakers, to go with my Midi Hi-Fi system, apropos achieving surround sound. Apropos... it's Latin. You've got to have a basic grasp of Latin if you're working in... Curry's. Oh you've got them excellent! One last thing, what time do you knock-off? Fancy going for a drink? No? Sorry, just thought I'd ask."
To Tony Hayers: "Oh I read your article in the paper. I loved that phrase you used 'Revolution, not Evolution'." Hayers: "No it was the opposite 'Evolution, not Revolution'." "Well you know whatever. Because that is me. I evolve, but I don't...revolve. Or vice versa."
Alan: (singing) Take a pinch of white man. Rap him up in black skin. What's the next bit?
Micheal: Add a dash of blue blood.
Alan: (singing) Add a dash of blue blood!
Micheal: And a wee lil' bit of Red Indian boy.
Alan: (singing) And... something else in Geordie!
Sophie: And a Mr Neshead called.
Alan: Did he leave his first name?
Sophie: No, just a Mr P Neshead.
Alan: No, it's a crank call. It's another crank call.
Sophie: Is it?
Alan: Read it back to yourself.
Sophie: (giggling) Oh, I see what he did there.
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