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Agony Uncles
If men wrote the agony aunt columns in Cosmopolitan - they'd probably read like this...

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some female cousins involved as well? If you are still apprehensive, then just let him go with your sister and female relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. It's interesting that a man should know this. Obviously his offer for you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him afterwards and show him you appreciate this by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is usually a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband as it can be very painful for a man to try and find it. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time and get your sister and/or best friend involved. To help with the family budget, you should videotape yourselves while doing this and then sell it at flea markets (your husband will be of great assistance here). To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.


Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband is uninterested in fore play.

A: Fore play to a man is very hurtful. If you try and force him into it it would only mean that you do not love your man as much as you should - he'd have to work very hard and long to get you in the mood. Unless you can get your sister and/or best friend involved in this, I strongly recommend that you abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.


Dear Cosmo:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is an unrealistic concept being fostered by militant, man-hating, looney, leftwing, boiler suited feminists in an attempt to destroy the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present....
and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.


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