True Stories
4.4Sydney radio - This is a corker
4.1Council and housing association complaints
3.7This is a compilation of actual student GCSE (15/16 year old
3.7How to resign in style
3.7A bricklayer's accident report
3.6Word Perfect Helpline
3.6Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic?
3.6US naval ship and the Canadian authorities
3.6Received from an English professor
3.5In-flight hunour
more...




Homer on Parenting
Homer: You can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.

Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.

Bart: I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world!
Bart: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad, so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Bart: No.
Homer: Are you!
Bart: No!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp!

Homer: Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.

Homer: When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
Bart: Like what?
Homer: I'll tell you when you're older.

Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.

Homer: [to Maggie] The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.

Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You _do_ mean stealing, don't you?

Homer: Heh, heh. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! [Homer runs into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!
Bart: Ahhhhhhh!

Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Abe: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

Homer: Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're _both_ potential murderers.

Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." ... Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

Bart: These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. [hangs up]

[Lisas saxophone has been rendered perfectly flat.]
Homer: Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves.

Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Lisa: Uh huh.
Homer: Remember, honey?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

Lisa: [wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man!
Homer: I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No, that would make me a great father.

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

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Category List : Famous People : Homer Simpson
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