|Homer on Parenting|
|Homer: You can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.|
Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
Bart: I was wondering. How important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world!
Bart: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad, so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Homer: Are you!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp!
Homer: Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
Homer: Because she stopped loving me.
Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped.
Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee.
Homer: When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
Bart: Like what?
Homer: I'll tell you when you're older.
Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories.
Homer: [to Maggie] The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.
Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer: Sure it is, honey. You _do_ mean stealing, don't you?
Homer: Heh, heh. Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! [Homer runs into Bart's room]
Homer: Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!
Lisa: It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you.
Abe: It's rotten being old. No one listens to you.
Homer: I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
Homer: Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're _both_ potential murderers.
Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
Marge: Well, honey, when I...
Homer: Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. "I like you as a friend." "I think we should see other people." "I don't speak English." "I'm married to the sea." "I don't wanna kill you, but I will." ... Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.
Bart: These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. [hangs up]
[Lisas saxophone has been rendered perfectly flat.]
Homer: Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves.
Lisa: But he was the only person that had the same love for music that I do. Oh, Dad, why did he have to die?
Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over.
Lisa: Uh huh.
Homer: Remember, honey?
Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
Lisa: [wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man!
Homer: I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.
Homer: I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Lisa: Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer: No, that would make me a great father.
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.