Bar Jokes
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3.3Blind guy in a lesbian bar
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3.2Bartender psychiatrist
3.220 shots...
3.2An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy
3.26 shots!

More Jimmy Carr Quotes...
Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers, an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

A dog is for life not just for Christmas, so be careful at the next office Christmas party.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I've got a friend; she's got a theory. She reckons that the way to drive a man wild with desire is to nibble on their earlobes for hours on end. I think its bollocks.

If you tell a girl you like her but she says "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.

I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.

"Close to comedy genius" - The Guardian. Don't worry. It's a newspaper for teachers. I wouldn't expect you to understand.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I grew up in Slough in the 1970's, if you want to know what Slough was like in the 1970's, go there now.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

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Category List : Famous People : Jimmy Carr
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